


When the Unicorns Got Together

by Queen (ramble)



Category: Glee
Genre: Breadstix, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dating, Episode: s01e18 Laryngitis, F/M, Father-Son Relationship, Friendship, Gay Male dating a Girl, Generally Canon Compliant, Kissing, Other, Questioning, Season 1, coming to terms with sexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-12
Updated: 2015-01-16
Packaged: 2018-03-01 04:08:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2759087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ramble/pseuds/Queen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Away back in season one of Glee, there was a time when a certain beloved gay character decided to attempt having a girlfriend. This is a short series further exploring the week that Kurt Hummel attempted to date one Brittany S. Pierce. </p><p>"Tap that. A girl had really just offered to let him tap that. Granted it was Brittany but in the grand scheme of things, she was what the school considered to be a hot girl and many boys wanted to be with her. Some had gone insanely out of their way to impress the girl - especially considering that they really just didn’t have to - just so they could have the opportunity to tap that. And she had come up to Kurt and offered. The other New Directions gave him wide berth as they left the room, but he didn't even notice as reached out to tap on Britt’s shoulder."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This one-shot grew into a rather long piece (that is, its about 30 pages), so I broke it down into a few larger groups to make it easier for posting and reading. Here I give you the first part which also happens to be the first day.
> 
> This one is sort of a companion to my other ficlet where Kurt comes to terms with his sexuality but you don't need to read that one ("I'm not Gay") to follow this and vice versa. They're just sort of connected because that one ends basically at the end of the week that I'm writing here so if you want to see the break up scene go there because I didn't want to re-write it over here. (it wouldn't fit well in this ficlet's theme anyway) 
> 
> As always, please enjoy! And feel free to tell me what you think ;)

_Tap that_. A girl had really just offered to let him tap that. Granted it _was_ Brittany but in the grand scheme of things, she was what the school considered to be a hot girl and many boys wanted to be with her. Some had gone insanely out of their way to impress the girl - especially considering that they really just didn’t have to - just so they could have the opportunity to tap that. And she had come up to Kurt and offered. The other New Directions gave him wide berth as they left the room, but he reached out to tap on Britt’s shoulder. “I would.”

“Would what?” She glanced up from her phone. He took a deep breath. Coach Sylvester was right - he’d never kissed anyone. Sure he knew that manly chests and manly abs and the thoughts of a man’s lips up against his own while the tips of their fingers trailed over each other’s...well, those were the sorts of fantasies he knew turned him on. But Coach Sylvester was right. He had never even tried being with a girl. Or a real boy that might actually potentially maybe be able to return his affections, but the point of the matter was that he’d never even given a second thought to trying to date a girl. He let the breath out.

“Brittany Pierce, would you like to come over to my house after school?”

“Yeah, totally. I love hanging out with you. Are we going to dance or make out? I need to know so I can figure out what to wear.”

“Make out.” The smile on her face was contagious. Or maybe he just felt giddy that he was actually going to do a very normal teenage thing. Either way, Kurt Hummel was well on his way to having his first kiss. Four years after most of his class, it seemed, but it was going to happen tonight.

\-----

“Would you like something to eat?” Kurt offered as Brittany entered the house. “Dad won’t be home for hours so we have time.” Brittany had been here plenty of times before. The girls always hung out with him. So he knew how to have girls over and all the girls knew the general rules of his house. But this wasn’t a normal visit. Kurt wrung his hands together nervously.

“Not really. I mean I would but...Coach Sylvester is already upset that I gained weight last week.”

“Yeah. I know. But I thought I’d offer anyway. I mean, I don’t want you to uh, to be hungry when we. I mean.” He felt his cheeks heating up. Brittany knew the way to his room and she used that knowledge to head straight for the door. “Oh we’re going to go downstairs ok.”

“Well I mean unless there’s somewhere else you wanted to be. Some guys really like the kitchen.”

“Because...there’s food?” From what Kurt had seen, most of the boys Britt spent most of her time with seemed to think with their stomachs first. There was something he hadn’t tried yes. _Cooking_ for - no. He wasn’t going to think about Finn now. He was going to try to be with a girl without thinking about a boy. Especially not a straight boy.

“Because they think its hot to have sex on the counter. It’s weird.” Kurt tried not to gape too much as her words grounded him back in the reality of their situation here. “Sometimes I think about what it might be like to be a sandwich, or a plate of cookies. You know, people put their hands all over them too.”

“We are not going to have sex Brittany.” That was definitely out. “At least, not tonight.” Or, most likely any other night. Though he was trying to keep an open mind about this which meant it was potentially an eventual possibility if things went well. Maybe. Not likely, but maybe.

“Oh...why?”

“Because I am not ready for that.” He slipped over and offered her his arm. She hesitated before taking it.

“You’re not like the other boys.”

“You can say that again.”

“You’re not like the other boys.” He couldn’t help but honestly laugh as he led her downstairs.

“Ok, real fast, I need to make a note. In case Dad comes home, so he doesn’t bother us, ok?”

“Ok.” She made herself comfortable while he darted back upstairs. The words were simple. Pointed. They came from the heart. He was going to try this. He was going to try very hard to be the son his dad wanted. By having sexual relations with a person of the other sex. He could be normal. He could be just like the other boys. He was going to show his dad just how hard he was working.

When he came back he found Brittany stretched out on her stomach. Legs tucked up, skirt a bit high on her legs, chin in her hands. Batting her eyes at him.

On his bed.

“Brittany how about we, er, well, do this somewhere that isn’t my bed? It’s really not the most comfortable mattress and I don’t know how the whole two bodies thing works but it barely works for one body so maybe...how about my couch?” Of course those were all lies but there was a _girl_ on _his_ gay boy bed with intentions of doing something other than just look at fashion magazines. No, no. He was going to be open minded. But that didn’t mean she had to be on his bed.

“Most people don’t have living rooms in their bedrooms.”

“Yeah, I know. But there’s so much space down here. I didn’t like it all being open and empty all the time so I had to fill it with something.” He offered his hand to her to help her up. If there was one thing he did know about relationships with girls, it was that he was supposed to be a gentleman. Not all boys were like that, as he’d well learned from observation alone, but his mother had made sure he knew he needed to behave himself and respect his partner.

Her fingers were soft as they curled around his hand.

“You have no idea what you’re doing do you?” she asked.

“Well I know how people kiss, if that means anything.” The blonde sat up and held her head high. She almost never had an opportunity to teach people. Even when she could, everyone assumed she couldn’t. No one was going to tell her she was incompetent here tonight. Right now, she was the smartest person in the room considering what they needed to be smart over. Brittany confidently pulled herself from his bed and moved to the couch. Her hand patted softly on a cushion. Kurt complied. His heart felt like it might beat right out of his chest.

Funnily enough he didn’t feel the slightest bit stupid for learning from her.

“Here, give me your legs.”

“What?” His ankles started to cross on instinct.

“Trust me. You wanted to be comfortable right?”

“Yes but I don’t see how-”

“Trust me.” Kurt tried not to hold his breath as her arm tucked under his knees and pulled them up across her lap. Her other hand pushed down on his shoulder. He took the cue to lay back. “Now get comfy.” Kurt shifted around until his neck didn’t feel like it was going to snap from the pressure of the armrest, then he stretched his legs out to drape over the other one. He consciously crossed his ankles just to be safe. He was certain Brittany wasn’t going to turn him on but he wasn’t so sure he wouldn’t start dreaming about Taylor Lautner kissing him instead. And that would be a turn on.

“This is nice.”

“See? I know what I’m doing.” Kurt gulped. This was it. He was about to make out with someone. Brittany didn’t even hesitate really. She leaned over and pressed her lips against his.

It felt wrong.

But he let her do it again.

Didn’t making out include tongues?

She wasn’t forceful with him. The suction of her lips tugged on his and pulled them ever so slightly apart but she didn’t just start shoving their tongues together. Or however this was supposed to work. Kurt was pretty sure making out usually included tongues though. At least that was what he’d heard from other people. He wasn’t so sure he wanted that.

He was sure he wanted to make his dad happy. So he tilted his chin up to try to kiss her back.

If she initiated tongues he would try his hardest. Though now that he was thinking about tongues he couldn’t stop thinking about a hot boy sitting in Brittany’s place. The anatomy of the mouth was the same, of course, but to him a boy’s mouth was quite different from a girl’s mouth. It was attached to a body that he was actually interested in.

“What do boy’s lips taste like?”

It wasn’t long after that when his father intruded. Apparently ‘hours’ actually meant thirty minutes.

\-----

“Did he mean like a burglar alarm?” Kurt was starting to regret his decision. Brittany was a nice girl. She really was. Despite that, she was classifiably dumber than a bag of rocks, if her grades were any indication. She was every dumb blonde joke he’d ever heard personified.

“No, he meant sexual protection. You know, to prevent babies.”

“Wait. There’s a way to do that?” Kurt felt his muscles tensing up. He crossed back over to her and settled down next to the girl.

“There’s several ways, actually.”

“If this is about the ‘after’ stuff, I’m not interested.”

“...No, no, there’s before stuff too. Er, well, during, I guess. Girls have a lot more options than guys. Do you really not know any of this?” Her blank look sank his heart. Kurt knew he was rather uneducated himself but at the very least he knew what protection was. “The pill...condoms?” He watched a lightbulb go off in her head. Really. If he squinted he could see it glittering in her eyes.

“Aren’t those a kind of water balloon?”

“No. No those are...No. Why do you even think that?”

“Well, one of the boys I was with had some and he filled them up with water and we had a water balloon fight. He said that was what they were for.”

“Didn’t you pay attention in health class?”

“My parents didn’t let me go. They said it would make me proper or something like that. Which I don’t understand why that’s a bad thing.”

“Proper?”

“Yeah, it’s what they said. That it would make me proper which proper means that I’d have good manners, so I don’t understand.” Kurt’s mind ran through all the P words he could think of. As he tried to narrow it down to P words related to sex, one in particular flashed into his mind in big red lights.

“Promiscuous.”

“That too.” Kurt took a deep breath and then he took hold of her hand.

“It doesn’t mean proper.”

“What does it mean?” Her eyes were so bright. She was curious. She clearly wanted to learn. Kurt just wasn’t sure she was capable it. Brittany was like an innocent child. And, just like a child, her comprehension abilities were extremely basic.

“It means...someone who kisses every boy in the school. And has sex with as many people as they can.” He didn’t want to imply that she was wrong but that was basically what the word meant as far as he understood it.

“Wait. They said I would only be promiscuous if I went to Health class.”

“Health class has nothing to do with promiscuity. Actually, I’m pretty sure it cuts back on it. I know I don’t want to have sex with someone I’m not familiar with after seeing all those pictures of STDs.”

“What’s an STD?” Kurt felt his cheeks heating up. It was quickly becoming his full time job, apparently, to teach Brittany the wonderful dark underbelly of unprotected sex. Just great. He scooted a little closer so he could keep his voice down. In case his dad came back.

“Its a sexually transmitted disease, and there’s lots of them. Some are curable, some aren’t. Like HIV and, uhm...warts I think? There’s a lot. And some are deadly.” Brittany stared at him with a completely blank look. “Britt?”

“You mean that wart I got on my toe was from sex?”

“No! Most likely not. But if you get warts, uhm, in your happy place, that is.” When she didn’t question what a happy place was the teen was sure he was starting to get to a more comfortable part in the conversation.

“How can you tell if you have an STD?” He was clearly mistaken. At first Kurt tried to form words. The teacher had talked all about the symptoms of all the diseases with such a straight face. They’d even made some ‘clap’ jokes. For boys. Girls didn’t have to worry about that whole tidbit of history. Just thinking about saying those things out loud stopped all words up in his throat. So he shifted gears.

“Tell you what, how about we go by the free clinic tomorrow after school and pick up some booklets for you?”

“Like a date? Are you going to buy dinner?”

“I can do that.”

“Should I bring Santana?”

“Why would you bring Santana on our date?”

“Well sometimes the boys want to watch us make out.” Right. That was considered a turn on for boys who liked girls. It didn’t make a whole lot of sense to him but then he was pretty sure the only thing that caused any sort of reaction for him was men kissing men. Even as he tried his hardest that fact was still abundantly clear to him.

“I don’t want you to do that. I want to go out, just the two of us, ok? Where do you want me to take you?”

“Breadstix?”

“Of course. Whatever you want Britt.” She leaned over and gave him a kiss.

“You’re really sweet.”

“Thank you.” She gave him another kiss. It definitely wasn’t doing anything for him. Probably never would. But that was ok. He wasn’t doing this for himself.

“Kurt?”

“Hm?”

“I know this was supposed to be just a one night thing but since you’re taking me on a date tomorrow, does that mean you’re my boyfriend?” Kurt looked into her shining eyes and weighed his options. She was _nice_. And having a girlfriend would go a long way to showing how hard he was trying, not to mention how much easier school could be, and if she ever wanted anything more than kissing he was pretty sure he’d be able to talk her out of it. They’d definitely have fun together. Her fashion sense was eccentric sometimes but she had a good eye for those odd pieces that looked crazy on their own but actually turned out to be quite amazing when put together in an ensemble. A relationship with her could be easily limited to shopping, dancing, and just...having fun. Boyfriends and girlfriends didn’t always have to do more than that.

“Yeah, I guess it does.” Her hand curled around his head and pulled him in for another kiss.

He was never going to get used to that.


	2. Chapter 2

Kurt’s arrival at school the next morning proved that this had not been a dream. Brittany appeared at his locker, twirling the end of her ponytail as she talked on and on about all sorts of unicorn paradises. He just nodded and hmmed along as he had absolutely no clue what she was talking about. Yet she still talked to him as though they were carrying an actual conversation. This wasn’t terribly new though normally she would just smile and wave and maybe talk about the upcoming Cheerios competitions. Now she was actually talking about, apparently, the things that interested her. Which was...unicorns. He could handle that well enough. The PDA on the other hand? That was much more difficult.

As his locker clicked shut she leaned in to give him a surprise kiss. It shouldn’t have been a surprise but he still found his body frozen on the spot. Brittany didn’t even bat an eyelash.

“You know you’re a really good kisser for someone who’s never kissed before.”

“Maybe I just have a gift.”

“The alien at camp said I had a gift too.”

“...the alien?” From unicorns to aliens. Brittany never made sense but this was easily the worst she’d ever been.

“Yeah. The alien who climbed into my tent at cheer camp three years ago. He said I had a wonderful gift and I should share it with the world.”

“What was that gift?” Kurt couldn’t think of what it could be. Her singing voice maybe. Or, more likely, her dancing.

“Do you want me to show you?”

“I guess?” She looked around the halls for a long enough moment that Kurt felt a need to try to help her find what she was looking for. He stretched his body up on his toes but he couldn’t find anything that seemed out of the ordinary or even remotely usable for a talent related to aliens.

Suddenly, her hand slipped into his and pulled him around the corner. He gave their friends a little wave as they passed by. There was some clear agitation on their faces but Kurt decided to just simply ignore it. They didn’t understand. They _couldn’t_ understand. If he could be with a girl his life would be so much easier. The rest of the people in the school were already starting to leave him alone. Plus he felt like he was making real progress with his dad. They’d had a whole conversation over breakfast. This was weird but it was a good thing.

Now on the list of bad weird things was the closet Brittany pulled him into. It was the lost-and-found closet but the door shut and didn’t have a window. Which was apparently all Brittany required to start stripping. “Brittany-WOAH WAIT what are you doing STOP!”

The blonde tilted her head as he pulled her shirt back down. “Is something wrong?”

“Why are you doing that. Here. In school!”

“Well we weren’t going to do anything. I was just going to show you. Most boys like that well enough too.” Kurt was careful not to let her shirt wrinkle up. Not just because it would be a fashion travesty - Coach Sylvester would have his head if he messed up one of the uniforms.

“Can’t you just tell me what your gift is?” Despite his shock at how she was acting the teen was starting to get an idea of just what had happened to her and just what the alien likely was. Which meant her unicorns probably had a real life lesson in them as well. He decided to tackle one metaphor at a time.

“It’s hard to say. I’m still not sure what he meant.”

“What did he do?”

“You know. That thing that couples do.” Her eyes shifted around as though she expected someone to be watching them in the otherwise empty closet. Then she leaned in to whisper right in his ear. “We slept together.” Bingo.

“Did you want to?”

“...I don’t know.”

“Did you want him to touch you?”

“Not really, but when he told me I was special and that I should want it I didn’t know what to do.” Kurt took a deep breath. He closed his eyes to clear his mind. He had no idea who that boy was, he couldn’t do anything about that. But he could help Brittany and her future. As a friend, and perhaps the only friend who knew this about her, he had to try.

“Brittany, you should never let someone touch you if you don’t want them to. No matter what they say. Ok?”

“But what about my gift?”

“Its your gift to share only with the people you want to share it with. And in this case, the people you _really_ want to share it with. People you don’t like don’t deserve it. Don’t give it to them if you don’t want to.”

“What if they make me?” Kurt clenched up his hands as he tried to keep his voice even.

“Fight. Scream, kick, bite, run, get help. Tell to someone you trust. Like...like me. If anyone ever does something like that to you, you can come to me. And I’m pretty sure you can go to Mr. Shue, Miss Pillsbury, and even Coach Sylvester...Especially Coach Sylvester. Ok? We’ll look out for you Brittany.” She tilted her head up and gave him another kiss.

“I wanted to do that.”

“I figured.” He took her hand carefully. “Can I walk you to your first period class?”

“Yes!” The blonde reached up to twirl her hair again as a smile spread across her face. She liked that, apparently. Having someone take her to class. Kurt imagined he might find it romantic too. But he did like the idea of walking someone else to class a little bit more.

\--------

Brittany didn’t seem comfortable with the clinic. She clung to Kurt’s arm as he led her to the desk. “Do you see anyone from school here?” he whispered. He had sunglasses on and he’d put even more effort into his tough straight guy attire than the day before. He’d helped Brittany put together her outfit for this too. Including a hat to hide her blonde hair. Since that was her most signature feature.

“The pregnant senior.” Brittany started to look around again.

“Don’t do that. Keep looking forward. We’re a couple coming here to get tested just to be safe, we go to...uhm, Carmel High School. That’s what we’re going to tell them. I don’t want people from McKinley to know we were here.”

“Are you ashamed of me?” Her voice was flat and serious. Kurt squeezed her side.

“No! No. Actually, we’re doing it because of me. If people see me here with you, well, let’s just say because of my reputation there’s...well people are going to see me a certain way and assume certain things about me. And I really don’t want to deal with that at school. And I don’t want you to have to deal with it, ok?” They advanced to the front of the line. He smiled brightly at the receptionist. “Hello!”

“...Hi,” she returned, looking between the two of them. “Are you two here for a pregnancy test too?”

“No!” his voice broke out of his body, as squeaky as ever. Kurt cleared his throat and dropped the pitch as low as he felt comfortable for holding a conversation. “No, we’ve been thinking about, you know, _getting it on_.”

“We were?” Brittany whispered. “I thought you said we weren’t going to-”

“Not now Boo,” he returned, patting her shoulder with his free hand. He looked at the receptionist out of the sides of his eyes as he tried to purposely look like this was completely effortless and he was, indeed, very very straight. “Health class at our school was very effective but we are teenagers you know. We want to be super safe.” The receptionist held up a basket of condoms. She looked ready to start laughing. “Oh, uhm, thank you!” He couldn’t keep the pitch of his voice down. It squeaked at her. His cheeks lit up. “But we wanted to get tested. For everything.”

“Have you even had sex before?” she asked him, looking square into his sunglasses. Brittany took hold of his hand and gave it a tight squeeze as she shifted her weight from side to side.

“Of course! But it wasn’t, you know, protected.” Brittany started to shift her body towards the door. “Because we didn’t know before this year, we just got into that unit in health class.” Watching Brittany’s behavior had helped him decide that he should go through with this too, in solidarity. It was free after all, right? The receptionist held the basket out to him again. She also grabbed two clipboards.

“Fill these out, the wait is about an hour for non-emergencies or appointments.” Kurt took the clipboards, then passed them to Brittany when the basket was pushed at him a third time. He took enough to fill all four of his pockets to satisfy the lady.

The first half hour was spent guiding Brittany through filling out the form - he insisted she put his cell phone number down, as well as his address, just in case the clinic did try to contact her through the mail. He didn’t want to have her parents calling his dad about this. Or her just generally getting in trouble and never coming back. Brittany needed this.

The second half of their hour was spent explaining how clinics worked - which was information that was based on a pamphlet he’d picked up at the front door.

He was glad the nurse called for them. Well, Brittany. He stuck next to her. “We’re here together,” he explained. He thought all they would need to do was have some blood drawn, no big deal. Then they’d be on their way. Wasn’t that how most tests usually worked? Give up some bodily fluids then go home.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re together, exams are done individually.” Brittany attached to his arm again.

“Give me a second, ok?” he whispered to his girlfriend before shaking free and tugging the nurse a few steps away. “She’s really scared about all of this, please. I’m scared she won’t go through with it if I don’t go with her and she needs this. She’s not...not exactly the smartest, and she’s not always all there, and I think she’s been taken advantage of and usually when that happens don’t the guys just...not? You know. Make sure its safe. She needs this. But she’ll only do it with me. _Please_.”

“And what about your exam?”

“I’ve never even been kissed. Er, well, I guess technically I’ve been kissing her but she is my girlfriend-”

“Girlfriend.” The nurse didn’t believe him. He straightened up his back and nodded, letting the pitch of his voice drop once more.

“Girlfriend. But we just kiss. I swear.”

“I’d believe that. You know you can get herpes from kissing right?”

“I...think I remember that from class.” It sounded familiar. He was pretty sure open sores were involved. His eyes darted over to glance Brittany’s face. It looked normal. That meant he was safe, right?

“You should get tested too.”

“I planned on it. The...the basic stuff. Like the blood test. That sort of thing.”

“You have no idea what happens during an exam do you?” That was where she had him. “We check the body for signs of any diseases, sores, warts, things like that, then we do the tests that you’re thinking of.”

“Check the body.”

“Yes.”

“Oh. Well if I have anything it probably won’t show up that fast I mean we just started kissing last night. So uh. Maybe. I could be her support and do everything with her...except that part? Please, it’s important. Really really important.” The two glanced over to Brittany. She’d curled her arms around herself and was starting to edge towards the door again. “I don’t know how many people have tricked her without her realizing. She desperately needs this.”

“Ok, fine. I’ll talk to the doctor, my managers won’t like this but...we’re not inflexible. Health is the most important thing here after all.”

“Thank you thank you thank you.” The nurse ushered them quickly into a room and offered Brittany a gown.

“What about Kurt,” she insisted.

“He’s going to be examined in a different room. His is going to be different since he’s never had sex before. You two will just be together for the tests, like the blood tests so we make sure there was nothing passed on from his parents.” There was another thing he hadn’t thought of. And really didn’t want to think about. It was just a bit gross to think that his dad could have some kind of disease crawling around in his veins and extremely sad to think that his mom might have had one and passed it on to him.

Brittany accepted the answer well enough and got straight to changing. Before the nurse even left. Without warning anyone. Kurt’s eyes trained themselves on the toes of his shoes until the doctor came in. Even if he had seen a few naked girls before in some Playboy magazines - mostly due to trying to play straight to keep his cousins from making a big scene at the family reunion - he didn’t personally know those girls. He didn’t have to go on with his life seeing them every day and somehow not have that image etched into his brain.

“So you’re getting a full exam just to support your friend?” the doctor whispered to him in confirmation when she arrived.

“Yeah. I want to show her that its no big deal. So she’ll feel safe to come back.” The doctor smiled at him and clapped her hand down on his shoulder and handed him a few things to keep him preoccupied. Mainly the pee-in-a-cup stuff.

“You’re a good friend. The bathroom is right up the hall on your left. Take your time.” Kurt bolted.

“Isn’t he the best boyfriend?” he heard Brittany declare as the door clicked shut behind him.

The teen locked the bathroom door so he could ensure his privacy. His eyes grazed over himself in the mirror. Boyfriend. The giddiness in Brittany’s voice put a smile on his face. At least he was a good one. That gave him hope that when he met a guy who could potentially actually date him he wouldn’t fumble it up too badly. Of course, Brittany was pretty easy to please. He was sure he could dangle something glittery in front of her to get a reaction like that. But he still had hope.

His own exam went a great deal quicker and he found himself with a lot of free time on his hands to watch the people he was surrounded by. Pregnant teens, some very nervous looking boys (and men), several people on the verge of tears. Or already crying. Someone was screaming at another person on their phone right in the middle of the lobby. “YOU BETTER PRAY THAT HERPES IS ALL YOU GAVE ME YOU SICK SON OF A-”

“Kurt?” the nurse called his attention away. “We’re done with her exam now if you’d like to come do the tests with her. She’s taking a pregnancy test right now to be safe but we still have to take some samples.” ‘Samples’ it turned out involved saliva, throat cultures, and the one he’d been expecting - blood. He stepped forward to take them all first and show Britt that there was nothing to worry. Not that she’d seemed too worried about the tests. Her only concern was whether this needle constituted another alien invasion since she definitely didn’t want it.

That was where Kurt pulled the doctor aside to explain why the girl kept going on about that. It was quick though not painless. He’d returned with cheeks so flushed Brittany had felt a need to mention it. The doctor was a professional actor though and smoothly moved past it with a few quick adjustments to how they dealt with the situation. The door was left open for Brittany to talk about her experiences but she opted out. “Aliens visit all the time it’s not a big deal. I mean, it is, apparently, but it’s not unusual.”

As the afternoon wore on Kurt was starting to hope that his taste in men wasn’t as frustrating as his apparent taste in women. He did like her, he did, but it would take a special brand of person to put up with her for a lifetime. Though if anything was coming of this he was now more sure than ever that he was completely unabashedly no questions about it gay. Girls were beautiful true but they weren’t beautiful in that way. They were friends. Not lovers. He wanted a man to hold him, and a man that he could hold in return. Strong arms, strong legs, and he wasn’t entirely opposed to some chest hair. Maybe someone a bit awkward sometimes but certainly dashing. A prince.

But for now he had a girlfriend and he was going to be the best boyfriend he could be. Which included partaking in the condom basket again to make sure everything that could be filled with them was.

“I don’t get it,” she whispered. “How does this prevent someone from getting pregnant?”

“It’s what’s inside. Don’t open it until you need it.” He leaned over to the secretary. “Do you have an instruction manuel for her?” Kurt knew it probably wouldn’t be a bad idea for him to learn how to use one too (health class had only told them what it was, they didn’t even get to see pictures of what one looked like). But the thought of it turned his cheeks red. If and when he met a boy, then he’d worry about these things. Until then he’d keep mooning uselessly over Finn.

The secretary produced a wide array of pamphlets - and not just on condom use. Kurt took them all. Well, except for the ones about ‘questioning’ sexuality and other such things. He tried not to glare over their inclusion in the selection. The rest he tucked into the inside of his jacket. These unfashionable things did have one thing going for them - lots of space to hide stuff.

“Remind me when we leave Breadstix to get a paper bag so I can put all of this stuff in it.”

“Why?”

“Because its all for you.” He paused a moment, then took her hands in his own. “Brittany, I want you to promise me something.”

“I thought I just did.”

“I mean, something more important.” She just stared into his eyes so he plowed on. “Whenever you’re with a guy, always make sure he has a condom, ok? And keep some yourself but most importantly make sure you never have sex without one. Unless you actually want to have a baby then by all means go for it. But until you want to have a child, don’t have sex without a condom.” It was so easy to talk about this with her.

Within thirty minutes - though given the amount of time they’d already been there, thirty minutes pushed their dinner to well past seven - they were called back to go over their test results.

“We’re going to have to wait two weeks for the results from your lab tests but I can confirm a few things right now. Neither of you have HIV, for one. Kurt you seem to be in very good health overall and Brittany...well you’re not pregnant. You’re definitely not pregnant.”

“That’s good I’m not ready for a visit from the stork.”

“I’m glad you feel that way. But there is something else I’m worried about. I’d like to start you on antibiotics. Remember all those questions I asked you earlier? You have a lot of potential symptoms for various diseases. Mostly curable. We won’t know for sure about the rest until your blood tests come back in two weeks.”

“Wait, I’m sick?” she asked.

“Maybe. Just to be safe, I want you to take some medicine for the next two weeks.”

“How much will it cost?” Kurt asked.

“Well, insurance should cover it-”

“I don’t...well, I do but, we can’t exactly let any parents find out about this - especially hers.” While in theory that was exactly what they should be doing with this information, Kurt knew nothing about her parents other than they hadn’t wanted her to take health class because they thought it’d make her have more sex. He really didn’t want to think about what they’d do when they found out she wasn’t just having more sex, she was trying to get with every guy in the school. Including him. At least in the kissing department. But still.

“Oh. Well, it could be anywhere from $15 to $50. Then I also recommend the HPV vaccine, which you may qualify to get for free.” Kurt glanced towards his pocket. His hard-earned money was going to vanish today. He could just feel it. Unless Brittany had cash to spare. Which she usually did. Somehow though he could just feel that he was going to be paying for at least some of this. He reached for the bill. Most of the tests were free or waived for them. That was a plus. The pregnancy test was not, but it was only six bucks. He rubbed at his temples. If this was what dating was like he was going to have to pick up more hours at the shop.

“Santana had better thank me for this,” he mumbled after the doctor left them.

“Why would she do that?” Britt replied to him. He smiled at her.

“Because this is good for her too. The healthier you are, the better it is when you two are together.”

“Oh. I’ll tell her to-”

“Don’t do that.”

“But you just said-”

“It was a joke.”

“Give me a heads up when you joke ok? Like...a nudge in the ribs.”

“Ok.” She paused a moment, then leaned over to kiss him again.

“What are you going to do with all your water balloons?”

“All of the _condoms_ I picked up are for you. So you’ll be extra prepared next time you sleep with someone.” She immediately got lost in thought. Kurt grabbed her hand and pulled her to the counter. A few forms and a wad of cash later and they were on their way to their dinner date.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here-in we have two dinners, one at Breadstix and one the night after. If you would like to see anything happen on the fourth day of their relationship before the big stuff from the episode occurs on what I've decided is the fifth day, leave it in the comments and I'll mix it in. I have the ending written but there's room for a bit more fun between this chapter and the next if anyone's interested.

When their dinners arrived, Brittany dove in. “So do I say there was a mouse in it or that it was too cold?”

“What?”

“When we send it back.”

“Why would we do that?”

“That’s what Santana always does.”

“Brittany, you aren’t out with Santana right now. You’re out with me. And...I couldn’t do something like that. It doesn’t sound right. Morally. The waitress and the cooks could get in trouble, we could get kicked out, and it’s just a mess. It wouldn’t be right to hurt them like that.”

“You’re really different from other boys.”

“I think we established that already.”

“No, I mean really different. My uncle used to date a man who was gay but isn’t now, and he’s really mean.” Kurt felt his heart clenching. “He hurts people now that he’s not gay. He yells at them and hits them and stuff. But you don’t. Your first date with me was taking me to the doctor and helping me get better though I still don’t understand how I’m sick, I don’t feel sick.”

“Except when you go to the bathroom it burns.”

“Yeah but I thought that was normal for teenage girls.”

“No.”

“Oh. Well. See? You’re trying to help me get better. And you’re ok with me being with Santana but you don’t want to see us make out.”

“Well, I don’t really think its appropriate to date more than one person at a time but as for you and Santana having relations in general, I would be a serious hypocrite if I had a problem with it. Besides, I’ve seen the way she acts around you. She lets her guards down. Shows who she is inside. I wish I had someone I could do that with.”

“Why can’t you?” Kurt let out a deep sigh. He reached over and took her hand.

“There’s some people that are more important to me than myself. And, for their sake, I have to be careful. And that does mean giving up a few things.”

“Like boys?” The words sunk in deep.

“I think this is just a temporary thing.”

“So you’re going to be gay again someday?”

“Yeah. Hey, you haven’t eaten much yet. Aren’t you hungry?” Brittany’s smile easily lit up the entire room.

“I like talking to you Kurt. You listen to me. And you don’t tell me I’m stupid.”

“You’re just different.” He also had manners unlike her apparent usual date fodder. “Different isn’t always bad. Even if people try to act like it is. It’s what makes us all special.” He let their conversation lull into a silence for a while as they ate. This was technically his first date ever. It was a good practice run for the real thing later on. He cleared his throat. “I like spending time with you.”

“Me too.” She glanced up and gave him a smile. “You know what I think is really romantic?”

“What?”

“How they shared spaghetti in the Lady and the Tramp. And then they both got that one noodle and kissed.” Kurt outright giggled. He too remembered that being romantic - though he’d quickly grown out of it when he was no longer five. “Would you try that with me?” Her words stopped his laughter dead in its tracks.

“Brittany, I don’t know…” Her frown gave him pause.

“Its ok, no one else ever wants to either.”

“You really think that’s romantic?”

“Its my favorite movie kiss.” He glanced down at his clothes. They weren’t his usual fare. Getting sauce on this outfit wouldn’t be a big deal. And he was probably the only person she’d ever meet even remotely willing to humor this. Even Santana though the two girls seemed to have a very unique connections probably would never ever do something like this. Though he supposed he knew Santana the least of the Glee girls. Maybe there was some secret side of her that would.

“I can’t make any promises.” He hopped around to sit beside the girl as he tried to comb his hair back to keep it from getting messy. “Do you have a comb?” Brittany was quick to pass it over. “And you should probably tie your hair back too.”

“If it gets messy we could always wash it out later. My parents aren’t home tonight so we could shower together.” Kurt turned red again. On one hand, he felt terrible that it would be so easy to take advantage of her. On the other hand, he was pretty sure that most teenage boys weren’t about to say no to a girl who would take her clothes off at the slightest prompting. Even if it freaked them out, if they were ever cornered in a locker room, well, Kurt could hear it now. ‘You had a hot girl next to you ok with having sex and you didn’t sleep with her? What kind of man are you! I bet you’re gay.’ Yeah. Hell he was pretty sure that was probably the next evolution of this relationship he had with the school right now. Oh the gay kid’s straight? Well prove it and sleep with a girl.

He let out a deep sigh.

“Brittany, remember when I told you don’t have sex with someone unless you want to?”

“Yeah. I’ve been taking notes.”

“The same thing applies to getting naked. Showering, just taking your shirt off. Anything like that.”

“But I want to shower with you. You could teach me all your secrets to how you keep your skin so soft.”

“I could teach you all my secrets without showering with you.”

“I learn better when people show me.”

“Ok, well. How about this. Come over to my house tomorrow and I’ll teach you how I get my skin like this. I’ll give you a full facial. Ok? But don’t shower with people unless you love them.”

“Why not?”

“It’s just like sex. It’s a very special thing to do and you should only do it with very special people.”

“What about doctors?”

“...why would you be showering with doctors?”

“One time my cousin got hurt real bad and the nurse had to help her shower.”

“Ok that’s different. She wouldn’t have been able to get clean otherwise. And, actually on that note - if someone says they’re a doctor or nurse and just trying to help you, be careful. If you aren’t hurt or in a hospital then don’t let them.”

“And only do it if I want to.”

“Right. Only if you want to.” She turned and kissed his cheek.

“Can we try the spaghetti thing now?” Honestly Kurt had been hoping she’d forget. It was spaghetti or more kissing. Honestly the kissing part wasn’t awful so long as she didn’t try for anything deeper.

Some boys from McKinley passed by. They took a good long look at him. He casually wrapped an arm around Brittany and leaned in close. “How about we package it up and take it home for later? That way if we make a mess we don’t have to bother the waitress too much.” He made sure to tilt his head in the most flirtatious manner he could think of and let his fingertips brush over her hand. His eyes drifted over to the boys. This was a scandal. They were making it very clear that what they were seeing was a scandal. Everything he did was a scandal. Being himself, being straight. Existing. He would never be anything but scandalous.

Kurt jumped when Brittany kissed him.

“What was that for?”

“For being so smart and so nice. I don’t think I’ve ever had a better date.”

“What about the needle part?”

“It was weird but I figure that’s all a part of dating someone who used to be gay.” Kurt forced a smile on. There was no used to be about it. There never would be. But he could pretend, if that was what it took to make his dad happy. It would be great acting practice anyway.

\-----

Kurt forgot to get a bag to put all of Brittany’s things from the clinic in. So he invited her over the next day for dinner with instructions to bring any kind of bag that her parents wouldn’t feel a need to look in when she went home. And to show up before his dad got off work at five. He did not want Burt finding all those condoms on him. That was not a conversation he was ready to have be it about boys or girls. He was also pretty sure his dad wasn’t ready for something like that either. And when neither of them were ready for something then usually a fight broke out while they both tried to avoid the situation that clearly couldn’t be avoided and in this case it would be a big misunderstanding and Kurt just didn’t want to deal with any of that. Things were nice enough right now. He was pretty sure he was starting to get his father’s attention. He didn’t want to ruin that.

“Here’s my bookbag, is that big enough?” Brittany held it up. It was pink and cute. Kurt smiled at the sight of it.

“Plenty. Here, I got you something.”

“Another gift? Kurt you really don’t have to.”

“I wanted to.” He held out an opaque blue glass jar that had ‘respect’ carved into it. It came with a large cork for a lid. “I want you to keep all the condoms you don’t keep in your purse in here. And whenever you use the ones in your purse, take some out of here and put it in there. And when you run out of them in here, go back to the clinic and get more. And do you remember what condoms are used for?”

“Putting on boys willies. They’re not water balloons.”

“Right. And when do you use them?”

“Whenever I want to have sex with a boy.” Kurt refrained from patting her head. It was easier when she kept talking. “Would you use one?” He spun on his heels and grabbed a pan to start on the veggies.

“Well, yeah. I know I don’t have anything and I couldn’t get the person I was sleeping with pregnant but if they asked me to I would. And I’d definitely ask them to. At least until they got a clean bill of health. But I mean I don’t expect them to go out and get tested for everything if we’re in the moment and it comes up, no I wouldn’t put it on hold just to tell him to go get tested. That’s what condoms are for.”

“Wait, you couldn’t get someone pregnant?”

“Of course not.”

“So if you were going to have sex with me, would you still have to use one?” Kurt dropped his tongs. The side of his hand brushed the skillet as he tried to catch them.

“Ow! What?!” Brittany ran to his side and took him by the wrist and pulled him to the sink to run cool water over the burn. “Brittany, what did you just say?”

“If we had sex would you have to use one.”

“Yes! I could get _you_ pregnant, not to mention you have what, four STDs? You could give those to me.” He realized his choice of words hadn’t been clear enough. “Any boy could get you pregnant. And anyone can give anyone else an STD if they have one. Including you. You’re not just protecting yourself. You’re protecting everyone else too.” He was becoming an expert at this apparently. He felt her arm around his waist. Her hand on his hip.

He grabbed it and pulled it away.

“You know, you’re actually really cute. Especially when you wear leotards.”

“Leotards? I thought you liked the whole lumberjack look.” Brittany leaned back and looked him over very closely. He headed back for the stove when her eyes lingered too long around his belt.

“You aren’t big enough for it.”

“Oh.”

“But on the other hand, you have been growing.”

“...You noticed?”

“Yeah. Like when you wore that sweater last week I thought for a minute that you’d become a girl but then I remembered that people don’t grow boobs on their shoulders.” Kurt reached up for his shoulder.

“Maybe I’m finally hitting puberty then.”

“Right. So maybe you’ll be as big as Finn, then you’ll look really good in more manly outfits.”

“I think its too late for me to get _that_ big.”

“Not even in your pants?” He had to think for a moment what that meant. Then it dawned on him. Or rather hit him on the head like one of those comic falling pianos in the old cartoons.

“...you’ve seen Finn naked?”

“One time I got lost and ended up in the boys’ locker room and he helped me get out.”

“Right. But. Uhm. That’s different. Look, about the, uh, the in the pants thing. That’s a really invasive question Britt.”

“That’s a good thing right?”

“No. Invasive means...unwanted.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok, you just have to learn. Just like with the STDs.”

“I like learning.” She kept putting a smile on his face. He felt more like a parent than anything though. Which technically was exactly what place he was taking. He really needed help but he wasn’t sure if any of the adults could actually be of use. Her parents had denied her this knowledge, Miss Pillsbury didn’t look like the type to have deep conversations about this sort of thing, he definitely couldn’t tell Figgins or any of the members of glee club, and his own dad was out because that was just too uncomfortable.

Which boiled him down to...Mr. Shue. Or Carole maybe.

Actually Carole didn’t seem like a bad option. He’d have to think about that one more.

He was shaken from his thoughts by a pair of hands on his shoulders. Rubbing. Deep into his muscles. It seemed harmless so he kept cooking.

Until the hands started dropping. “Brittany what are you doing.”

“Giving you a back massage. It always makes Santana happy.”

“You’re going too low.”

“But the best part is when I get to the hips.”

“Brittany I don’t want you to touch my hips.”

“Why not?”

“Remember when I said don’t let people touch you if you don’t want them too?”

“Yeah.”

“You don’t always need a reason. Sometimes you just don’t want them to touch you. And...I don’t want you to touch me. Not like that. I’m ok with holding hands, and hugging, and you are actually a really good kisser, but I’m not ready to have anyone touch me below the waist. Not even a boy.”

“But boys like sex.”

“...Yes I imagine its wonderful but I’m not ready for it.”

“...I don’t understand. I thought boys always wanted sex.”

“No. I mean yes, it is true that it does tend to come up pretty often and I do think of it a lot, and it is very hard to ignore when it does but...boys are still very capable of saying no. And some boys really want it to mean something too. I suppose I can’t talk for most boys but I do think that a lot of them do want it to mean something.”

“Having sex with me wouldn’t mean something?”

“...It would but not the things I think you want it to mean.”

“I don’t care if it means anything.”

“You should! It should always mean something.”

“Why?”

“Because...because it’s special.” He turned the burner off and took his girlfriend by her hands. “It’s really special. I know most people haven’t treated you that way but they’re wrong. You’re special Britt. And so am I. And when I do have sex with someone, I want it to really mean something to me. I want it to be something I do because I love them.”

“Do you have to love someone to have sex with them?”

“I guess not, but I want to. But if you just want to do it for fun then that’s ok too, I guess. I mean its your choice. But that’s not me, ok? You’re really pretty but I don’t love you like that. So, no, I don’t want you to touch me like that. And I don’t want to have sex with you.”

“Then why did you give me all those condoms?”

“Those are gifts. No requests involved. Just a gift for a friend. Here, dinner’s ready. Why don’t you have a seat and I’ll get everything set up for you? Then maybe we can watch a movie.”

“Can we watch the Aristocats again?”

“Sure. If that’s what you want to watch.” Kurt rolled up the sleeves of his flannel shirt to keep it from getting dirty. Even if it was made to be dirtied he was still going to try to stay clean.

\---------  
Brittany’s head started to roll from Kurt’s shoulder, but he carefully maneuvered her sleeping form back to where it had been. She was a surprisingly heavy sleeper. Then he turned to his phone to answer the flood of texts from Mercedes and Tina and a couple of oddly threatening ones from Santana. Apparently the girl had realized that Brittany wasn’t going to be going over to her house tonight. And where Brittany was. He didn’t hear his dad come in.

He especially didn’t see the way his dad stared at them together.

“Sorry I’m late,” Burt said after several minutes. “What’s that smell?”

“Sauteed vegetables, and I made salmon too. There’s plenty left over for you.”

“Uh-huh...Did you have a date here?”

“Yeah. You could call it that.” He looked up. Then his eyes followed his dad’s to Brittany’s very open bag. Teeming with condoms and pamphlets on sex. His cheeks flared red but he tried not to miss a beat. “Dinner should still be warm. I’m going to drive Brittany home if that’s ok.”

“Fine by me.” Kurt shook Britt gently.

“No,” she mumbled.

“I have to take you home now,” he whispered to her.

“Huh?” Her eyes shot open. “I had the weirdest dream.”

“Oh?”

“We turned into unicorns and we had to break stars or we’d explode. I think…”

“...I’m pretty sure that’s a game. Come on, get your stuff together.” He felt his cheeks flushing as she gave him quick peck. He started to ask why, but his dad was still right there. Watching him very closely. So instead he returned the favor. That got Burt shuffling off to the other room.

“You need to teach all the other boys how to have a date because you’re really awesome.”

“I’d tell you to tell them that but you would probably actually do that. Don’t tell them, but I will keep that in mind.” He took hold of her hand and escorted the girl from his house.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today we catch up with many of the rest of the cast (sane Burt, though he is coming up). Including a little bit of Kurt and Carole time!

The fourth day of their relationship came around and Kurt was feeling pretty good about himself. He realized as he walked the halls, thumbs tucked in his pockets, that no one was making little comments, no one was looking to the floor at the sight of him (actually they were staring quite intently which probably wasn’t a good sign but at least they weren’t acting ashamed that he existed) - Even the usual bullies were staying clear of him. He caught Karofsky’s eye as they passed in the hallway.

It was a bit weird how his giant classmate turned away so fast once their eyes caught each other. Karofsky had never done that before. Normally his eyes got so wide they were liable to pop out of his head then he leaned in like he was about to shove Kurt. Usually he did start shoving. Sometimes he didn’t. It was actually almost worse when he didn’t.

But that would happen no more it seemed.

Brittany linked her arm with his so suddenly he almost jumped into the lockers himself. “Hi!”

“Britt! Uhm. Hey?”

“We’re having lunch together right?”

“Oh! Yeah. I guess if you want to. Sure.” He always had lunch with Mercedes and Tina and (unfortunately) Rachel. Considering how they hadn’t been talking to him much since Monday he figured they wouldn’t even miss him today. Though they’d probably notice considering he’d be sitting with the other popular kids and publically showing the whole school just how not weird he was. Just being a Cheerio hadn’t put him at the top of the pyramid...though it had helped somewhat. Those uniforms were respected by most of the school. At least the female population. Which was 54% of McKinley High. So the majority of the school respected him enough now. But that didn’t mean he sat with the other popular kids most of the time.

Today he would.

To be next to his girlfriend.

And next to the popular kids the other 46% of the school would see that he was someone who should be respected.

It was kind of funny how easy it was to get into their crowd when he gave up a huge part of himself. Though he always knew if he stopped being so, well, gay then he’d probably be quite popular. It was so insulting to himself to do that. He was proud of who he was. Which was why he was walking down the hall with a girlfriend on his arm drowning in his dad’s clothes.

But this wasn’t for him. It was for his dad. There was one opinion that truly mattered and, well, it had spoken loud and clear over the last month or so. His dad wanted Finn. Well Kurt was never going to be Finn but he was trying his heart out.

He barely noticed when Brittany dared to give him a proper full on lip kiss. In public. In front of oh just about half the school or so. It felt like 54%.

No it didn’t dawn on him that such a thing had even happened until Santana was pulling him by the back of his shirt collar into the nearest vacated classroom. And shouting in Spanish. He could pick out a few words like ‘crazy’ ‘lunatic’ and what he could only assume were a few slurs that they weren’t being taught in Mr. Shue’s Spanish class. “Look I don’t know and I know I don’t want to know what you think you’re doing but you are not the right man for Britt. Am I clear?”

“Uh...I can date who I want?”

“No, you can’t. You can’t date Brittany.”

“Well. I am dating her. And I actually like it.”

“I don’t care if you’re having a straight phase. I get it. It happens. Just like girls have bi curious phases I’m sure people like you have straight phases. Its natural to be curious and all that soppy mushy feely stuff. But Brittany is not a phase.”

“Oh really? What about all those other boys she’s been dating.”

“Those were one night stands, its different. She was only supposed to go to your house and make out with you. That was it. Then it would be over. But noooooo. You’ve taken her on two dates now? _Two_? Since Monday!”

“She is my girlfriend.”

“Don’t say that! She is not your girlfriend! You are gayer than the rainbow and don’t pretend you aren’t.” The way she was waving her hands they could become lethal weapons. That or she was ready to be an actress in the local community theater productions. “What you have right now - its called a beard. She is your beard. Sure it feels really nice for the moment, makes you feel like you fit in as a man and you can pretend you’re someone else for a few days - a popular kid that no one dares to bully. But I guarantee soon enough it’ll get gross and sweaty and itchy and you’ll miss being yourself but now you won’t be able to shave it because that’ll hurt even more. And so that you can keep feeling good you’ll have to keep giving up parts of yourself. Do you think that will feel great? All so you can be popular.”

“I’m not doing this because it makes me popular.”

“Then why are you doing it? You can’t actually like Brittany like that. Be honest. You don’t want to kiss her or snuggle with her - she told me about how you didn’t want to sleep with her. Which means you are definitely gay I swear.”

“Excuse me?! I don’t see Finn jumping to sleep with her just because she’s pretty and talks to him sometimes. Even straight men are capable of wanting it to mean something!” Santana let out a little snort and rolled her eyes at his choice of examples.

“It doesn’t matter. She is not a plaything Kurt. You have to know I’m serious because I’m actually using your name right now. She’s my...my best friend. All those guys, they don’t mean anything. But she actually likes you. She hasn’t stopped talking about how nice you are. Its not healthy for either of you to keep pretending.”

“Maybe I’m not pretending! Maybe I actually like her too!” Ok so he only liked her as a friend but that didn’t mean they were a bad couple. Most successful couples were friends. This would be fine for the time being. “We both know it’s not long term.”

“Oh you both know do you?”

“Yeah. We’ll just be together as long as it feels good. I’m sure she’ll move on when someone...better speaks up.” Santana rested her hands on her hips as the two looked each other over, neither bringing the elephant into the light. Kurt was ok with that. Just so long as they were on the same page. “Look, Santana, I’m not going to hurt her.”

“Oh you aren’t? Then why does she suddenly have enough condoms to build a statue and a spot on her arm that looks suspiciously like she’s been using needles? I try to stay out of everyone’s business but I always knew there had to be a reason you’re so scrawny-”

“Woah! I took her to the doctor! The clinic. Ok? I took her to the clinic downtown and they tested her for all kinds of diseases and she’s on antibiotics now. Apparently those harmless one night stands weren’t so harmless. Maybe she needs a boyfriend like me just as much as I need a girlfriend like her. Did you stop to think of that? Maybe what we’re doing here is actually really, really good for both of us! I’ve never seen you making sure she’s being safe or trying to stay healthy and its very clear to anyone with half a brain cell that she knows next to nothing about that act that she apparently engages in on a near nightly basis!” The tapping of Santana’s foot clued him in that he might be going too far.

“Fine. _Fine_. Princess of the Gays. Have it your way. Date Brittany. If that’s what truly makes you happy then go for it. Have fun.” The girl stepped forward. Kurt tried not to flinch but there was death in her eyes. “If you ever hurt her, I will destroy you.”

With that, she was gone. And Kurt was late to class.

\----

Thursday was the day of people dragging Kurt places as very shortly after Tina and Mercedes had him by his arms. Mercedes was doing most of the talking but Tina was definitely her wingman. Girl. “Ok so it’s clearly been a rough week for a lot of people so we were thinking that we’d all get together tonight and go see a movie. You, me, Tina, and Artie.”

“Which one are we going to go see? That new action flick?” He didn’t even realize he was doing the voice. That weird half-deep half-country-ish drawl.

“No, the romcom. We think that some people need to unwind a bit.”

“Well no offense but romcoms are a bit girly. I want to see something manly. Hey there’s a car show next weekend, anyone want to go to that?”

“No.” The girls let go of his arms and stepped away. “Kurt we want to hang out. The way we used to. With _you_. The real you not whatever this is.”

“This is me! From now on, this is me!” His voice cracked and drove itself up against his wishes.

“Well we don’t like this you. You don’t want to do any of the things we used to do-”

“Because I’m not into them anymore.”

“What happened Kurt. Just tell me what happened and we can help you and you can go back-”

“I’m not going back! I’m happier now! Ok? I’m finally really happy. As my friends don’t you want me to be happy?”

“This is really what makes you happy? Giving up all things fashionable to be a tiny lumberjack?”

“Mechanic. I’m a mechanic’s son. I’m obviously a mechanic.”

“Are you really going to argue the finer fashion points of being a...a dirty old man right now?”

“My dad is not a dirty old man!”

“Ok, ok that came out wrong but you have to admit you look awf-”

“I look great. Look around Mercedes. You know what I see? People leaving me alone.”

“Is that why you’re doing this? Did they break you down? I understand that it’s hard to be bullied but you can turn to us-”

“Its not _just_ the bullies Mercedes. You’re never going to be able to understand what I go through every day. Sure you and Tina and Rachel have to deal with being unpopular, with people throwing slushies on you and making fun of you, but do you know what it’s like to have all the people in the bathroom clear out when you’re just trying to pee? Do you know what its like to know you’ll never be good enough, that someone else will always be the preferred choice because they’re straight? Because they sound and look just like everyone else? Act like all the other boys?”

“Are you upset that Finn got another solo? That is so petty! I know I get mad at Rachel but-”

“No. This isn’t. No! You don’t get it. You’re never going to get it.”

“Mercedes,” Tina whispered. “Let’s just go.”

“You’re right,” the diva sighed out. “Kurt, when you go back to being you, you can come find us. Until then, we...we don’t want to be with this person you’ve become. Its too weird.” Kurt’s hands rested themselves on his hips for a moment. He noticed a couple of people glance at him and immediately moved to cross them over his chest. This was fine. This wasn’t new. He’d gone years without any close friends before glee club. He knew how to manage things. He’d be fine. And he’d have his dad.

Brittany appeared at his arm and gave him her usual greeting cheek kiss. “Why so blue Pussy Cat?”

“What?”

“Its a saying.” Her smile was like sunshine bottled and sold as designer perfume.

“Well, it doesn’t matter now anyway. Are you ready for lunch?”

“Yes!”

Kurt looked into her eyes for a moment. This was happiness. He could be happy like this.

Just to be sure, he reached up and cupped her chin in his hand, leaning in to give her a kiss. There was nothing. No repulsion, but no attraction. She was just a person who he was kissing. Nothing more.

\----  
Shopping was what gay boyfriends were for, clearly. Gay boyfriends and gay sons of boyfriends. “Ok so this pattern is?” Carole said as she held up a jacket.

“Too much,” Kurt replied, picking up one off another rack. “Try this classic style instead.” Suddenly a rather large something was being dropped on his head and Brittany was leading him over to the nearest mirror.

“We match!” she declared proudly as what was easily the ugliest sunhat Kurt had seen in months donned both their heads. There was definitely a reason it was on clearance when the sunny seasons weren’t even really underway yet. The giant orange flower on it didn’t help. “Its really not a good style but its still fun.”

“...I’m glad you recognize that.” He pulled the offensive object off of his head with a bright, honest smile. “Brittany do you like to wear hats?”

“Sure.”

“And so do I and...Carole! Do you want a hat?”

“I suppose?” Finn’s mom replied. Finn’s mom. Why did that thought have to cross his mind here? He was just starting to relax. But there it was again. The guy he had a crush on and the man he wanted to spend time with at the forefront of his mind as they came home late from a baseball game and Finn crashed on the couch with Carole’s permission. Like they were old friends. Like they’d done it their whole lives.

“I’m going to find you two some hats. Do you know if there’s any place to get baseball caps in the mall?”

“Going to get one for your dad too?”

“No it’s for me.”

“I didn’t know you liked ballcaps.” Kurt shrugged as he grabbed something rather elegant for Carole. Then something a little more innocent for Brittany. He wasn’t going to compromise their fashion just because he had to destroy his own style.

“Thank you,” Brittany chirped as she kissed his cheek and skipped off to the changing rooms with some of the clothes they’d picked out.

“So what’s going on with you and Brittany?” Carole asked, leaning on rack so she could look Kurt straight in the eye. “I’ve never seen you like that with Mercedes and she’s your best friend.”

“Oh well. I ahm. I’m dating Brittany.”

“Come again?”

“Brittany is my girlfriend. Since Monday, before you ask.”

“Ok, I know we’ve never talked about it but...I thought you liked boys.”

“Well I used to. But I like Brittany now.”

“Just like you like ballcaps, flannel, and Mellencamp?”

“How did you know-”

“Burt and I talk every night. I thought he was exaggerating about how you were acting.” She stepped around the clothes. “Kurt, if anything’s wrong you know you can talk to us right? I know I’m just your dad’s girlfriend but I care about you too. I want to see you happy. You can talk to me.”

“Carole...I appreciate it, but there’s nothing to talk about. I just finally found who I am. It took me most of my life but I figured it out.”

“This week? Now what brought it on so suddenly?”

“I don’t know. Maybe it was Mr. Shue’s assignment. Do you think there’s another baseball game coming up soon?”

“A baseball game? You mean like the one from-”

“Yeah something like that.”

“I don’t know. But I’ll uh, I’ll keep my ears open I guess. Is there anything else I can do for you?” Kurt looked towards the changing rooms as he batted around the idea. “Kurt?”

“Maybe. I’m not sure I want to talk about it yet. But...maybe.”

“Ok. Whenever you want to. I’ll be there.” Carole was absolutely wonderful. She wasn’t the person he needed the most though. She wasn’t his dad.

“Thank you.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Stay tuned I might write a little addition aside for Burt's experience - looking at that door hanging on the first day and then Carole talking to him before bed about her concerns. Maybe. This new season has made it a bit hard to write Glee fiction for the moment.)

Looking at his dad’s back as the man retreated to try to find Finn, Kurt felt his entire life crumbling around him. This was supposed to fix everything. His ‘newfound straightness’ was supposed to win his dad. They were supposed to do things together now. That other ticket should have been his. It didn’t matter if he hated baseball. They were supposed to be father and son now. Kurt was supposed to be the son his father wanted.

He had proof that he was there. Freshmen boys were asking him for advice on how to get a hot date like Brittany. Granted they were greasy looking and kind of rude towards the female population but they were coming to him and not looking to, say, the stud that was Puckerman for advice. He was being looked to as one of the guys, that was what counted. And! And. He’d successfully accomplished having conversations about music his dad liked. He was even starting to kind of like the stuff himself. Then there was that whole chat they’d had about sports at dinner the night before. Well his dad had done all the talking. But it had been talking. Just the two of them.

This wasn’t supposed to still be happening.

The young teen just felt so disgusted with himself. He yanked his spare clothes out of his locker and ducked into the locker room. No one was there, not at that hour. They were all out practicing for their sports. He just let the clothes fall onto a bench as he ripped the flannel off of his back. His dad had just brushed him aside.

For Finn.

Finn was so perfect. And even if Kurt acted just like (he imagined) a straight guy would it still wasn’t good enough. Finn and his dad just clicked. In ways that he never would. He would never, ever, be the kid his dad wanted.

He pulled his blue button up on, wrapped the scarf around his neck. For the first time in days he felt like he could breathe. Which was strange considering how hard he was crying. Normally this amount of tears would have him gasping for air. “Kurt?” her voice called from the doorway.

“Brittany.” He rubbed the tears from his cheeks. “Are you lost again?” She didn’t stop. She wasn’t even bothered by her surroundings.

“No, but...you said we’d talk later, and its later now and you looked really upset.” She sat down on the bench. “What’s wrong?” Her eyes were so big and bright and confused and waiting. If he were straight or if he could ever love a girl, he wouldn’t mind it being her. No matter how ditzy and strange she was. She was so beautifully innocent.

 

“I did all of this for my dad. All of it. I tried so hard. And it didn’t work. I’m still not good enough for him.” He fell to the bench beside her. She wrapped an arm around him.

“That happens to me a lot. I try really hard but I don’t seem to ever be smart enough to get the grades. Its just something I have to accept. I’m not stupid. I’m just not good at this school stuff.” Kurt rubbed his eyes one last time and turned to take her in. “I like you just the way you are.”

“Thank you Brittany.” She leaned over to kiss him. This time he held his hand up to hold her back. “I can’t kiss you anymore.”

“So you really are gay again?”

“I...I never stopped being gay. Just, for one day, I wanted my dad to look at me the way he looks at Finn. I wanted him to want to be with me, to want to spend time with me. I tried being just like him. Dating girls, talking about sports, eating super greasy foods and actually finishing more than three bites without running to the bathroom because that stuff just feels awful...His favorite artist is Mellencamp. Which actually, isn’t that bad of an artist. And Dad talked about him for an hour. A whole hour. We talked about something that didn’t involve school or the car shop. I can’t remember the last time that happened. I thought this would change things. But it didn’t. He still likes Finn more.” Brittany frowned and wrapped her arms around him.

“You’ve been really nice to me all week and teaching me all kinds of wonderful things. So I have a lesson for you.”

“What’s that?”

“Never give up who you are. You’re one of a kind. And I’m really glad I got to be your girlfriend.” He reached up to let his fingers curl around Brittany’s arm.

“Thank you.” He squeezed for a second, then stood up. “I have to go sing about this.”

“Can I come?”

“No, no, I want to do this myself.” He pulled his shoes on. His shoes. Not those uncomfortable workboots he’d jacked from Burt’s closet that were almost three sizes too big. Then he vanished towards the auditorium. Brittany lingered just for a moment before heading out to meet up with Santana.

As for Kurt, well - It was time to draw some inspiration from Patti LuPone. He was going to be himself on that stage, all _for_ himself.

\-----

Burt kept a firm arm around his son as they headed into the restaurant. This wasn’t something they’d done in a long while. Just spent time together. Just the two of them. The real two of them. He squeezed Kurt’s shoulders. “So,” Burt tried. He felt his son cringe. “That, uh, that music.”

“Mmhm.” He let out a sigh.

“Kurt, that was brilliant.” His son’s eyes turned up to him. Bright and shining. That was the Kurt he was used to. “I may not understand these things but that? That was star quality. That was the kind of performance I’d expect from one of those shows you and your mom always dragged me to.”

“Sorry.”

“About what?”

“Dragging you-”

“Knock it off. I had a good time.” He gave the kid a gentle shake as he held up two fingers to the hostess. She led them to a seat in the back. “Your mom was always good at getting me to try new things. Of course she didn’t have to fight much to get me to. Especially after she got you on board.” He held up his hands. “I swear that was never a fair fight. I couldn’t say no to both of you.” Kurt smiled. An honest to goodness smile. Burt let himself smile too.

“Remember when we went to Into the Woods?”

“One of her favorites.”

“I remember you stayed up well past my bedtime with me talking about it.”

“I was explaining to you what happened in the second act.”

“I knew what happened in the second act.”

“...Then why did you keep asking questions?”

“Because you kept answering them. And I really wanted you to stay. I...was kind of scared the giant would come after us. But of course I couldn’t say I was scared of an invisible giant because I was seven and seven year olds do not get scared of giants. Six? Sure. But not seven.” Burt couldn’t help but laugh. Until he saw the tears in Kurt’s eyes.

“Woah, what’s wrong Kurt?”

“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong.” The teen rubbed the droplets away.

“Tell me.”

“Dad I...I’m so happy right now.”

“Then why are you crying?” Kurt was a whirlwind of confusion to the man. But if there was one thing this last week had made blatantly obvious it was that Burt needed to start working very hard to push past that and understand his kid.

“Because...I haven’t been this happy in a very long time.” That sobered the man up completely. All Kurt wanted was his father. That’s all he’d been aiming for, all this time. To be himself and to have a father that loved him and wanted to spend time with him. Burt couldn’t think of any other teenager in the world who wanted to spend more time with their parents. But his son did. He felt lucky.

“You know what we need to do?”

“What?”

“Make plans.”

“Plans for what?”

“Anything. Well not anything. Something that doesn’t involve school or the shop. Just some hanging out sort of things. Now, I know you don’t like sports, and you shouldn’t have to pretend you do to spend time with me. And I’m not the biggest fan of musicals but you know, some of them, they’re actually pretty interesting. So lets keep an eye out for those, yeah?” He could see his kid practically dancing in his seat at the thought of going to the theater with him. “But we need to think of something else too.”

“I could skip my pre-dinner shopping trips with the girls and teach you how to cook.”

“Teach me?”

“Fine cuisine. I’ve been studying and there’s a lot of things I really want to try. I’ve already been doing a lot with baking and soups and things like that but I really want to branch out.”

“Ok, cooking.” God help him this was going to be hard. But he loved Kurt. And his wife had shown him that when he stepped outside of his comfort zone he would almost always be pleasantly surprised.

“Uhm…” The teen looked off into space for a moment, clearly trying to come up with more ideas.

“There’s a car show this weekend.” Kurt looked back at him with a grin. “Are you actually into cars or was that just for me too?”

“Oh I love cars. Maybe not the getting dirty part but they’re great to look at.”

“So they’re fashion accessories.”

“Basically. Are we going to go?”

“If you want.”

“Yes!” Cooking and cars, but not fixing them, and some musicals. This was good. They were getting places. A tall blonde passed by. Burt glanced her over for a moment before glancing back at his son. Kurt was giving him his undivided attention. So he shifted gears and took advantage of that.

“What are you going to do about the cheerleader?”

“I think we broke up today.”

“...you were actually dating her?”

“Yeah, I think.”

“That’s a lot of uncertainty. When you see her next make sure she knows you’re broken up with her. Unless you still want to date her?”

“No. I mean, if I ever had to have a girlfriend I’m glad it was her. She wasn’t _too_ pushy, she wasn’t mean about anything, and I think I helped her out. At least I hope I did. I honestly had no idea what I was doing.” Kurt sat up straight as his father took in a deep breath.

“You’re probably going to hate me but I have to ask this. What you were doing last night?” Burt levelled his gaze on his son. Kurt took a moment, but then he remembered.

“We picked those up at the clinic downtown! I couldn’t, I honestly couldn’t. I could _never_ do anything like that with a girl. Trust me.”

“I do. What were you doing down at the clinic?” Kurt bit his lip for a second, then he pulled the sleeve of that bright blue shirt right up over his elbow. “Kurt. What aren’t you telling me.”

“She’d never been tested before, so I took her down there and since it was mostly free aside from a few details I let them test me too. To show her that it wasn’t a big deal. And I made sure she had plenty for the future and that she knew to go back there if she needed any help.”

“Why didn’t you just tell her parents?”

“They’re the reason she didn’t know anything about, uhm, about those diseases.” Burt leaned back in his seat to think this over for a moment. There sat his son, unable to say the word sex or anything related to it - no matter how well he was able to write it - who managed to somehow take a girl down to the clinic to get her tested. He was proud, of course, and somewhat relieved that Kurt knew he could go there if he needed to. But there was also a part of him who would have loved to see that in all its wonderful awkward, hilarious glory.

“You know that for sure?”

“They didn’t let her take that part of health class.”

“I still think you need to talk to them.”

“Me?”

“You’re the one who took their daughter to the clinic. While I am proud of you for trying, that isn’t your responsibility. Its her parents’ job to look after their kid.” Kurt picked up his drink and set about chugging the whole thing as his cheeks turned red at the mere thought of talking to more people.

“I thought about asking Carole for help. Maybe she could talk to them?”

“She could help you talk to them.”

“Right.”

“Did either of you have anything?”

“...I’ve never...I didn’t. But she probably does. They set her up with antibiotics. She is not pregnant though. So at least she managed to avoid that. Though actually looking over those pamphlets with her I’m not so sure if one of her uhm...diseases helped cause that.”

“So you learned a lot huh?”

“Mmhmm. More than I ever wanted to know about straight interactions actually. Though it wasn’t actually as bad as being in health class. Some of the pamphlets were actually kind of ambiguous.”

“What about stuff specifically for you? Any uhm, any guys you like?”

“Not enough to do that with.”

“...so you do like someone?”

“Uhm. Sort of. I’m pretty sure they would never be interested.”

“Is he straight?”

“Most likely.” Kurt rested his chin in his palm and let out a sigh.

“Sorry to hear that. You’ll find someone someday though. Maybe not in a high school like yours but you’re a great person. It might even be better to wait a while. That way you’re wiser when you meet him.”

“I thought you didn’t want to talk about boys?”

“I’m not going to say it isn’t a bit weird, but I’m trying here. I want you to be able to talk to me about anything and apparently I haven’t done a very good job of making you feel comfortable to do that.”

“Dad you’re perfect.”

“No, I’m not, but thank you for the sentiment.”

“No, you really are. Most of the stories I read of kids like me with dads like you wound up on the streets.” It was hard for Burt not to tense up, not to show how much those words hurt him. Kids like Kurt. Dads like him.

“You thought I’d do that?”

“No! No. But...I do realize how lucky I am to have you. I love you Dad.”

“I love you too Kurt. And I mean it. Talk to me, ok? I won’t always know how to help, especially with the boy stuff, but I’ll always be here for you.” Kurt hopped around the table to wrap his arms around his dad again. This boy was so strong and so fragile at the same time. Burt held him as though he were still a baby. He had to remember that fragile side. Kurt did a good job of burying it. Which meant it was Burt’s job to keep an eye out for those subtle (and not so subtle) signs that something was going on at all times.

\-----

“Brittany can we talk a minute?” Kurt called as glee let out one day about two weeks later. He took her by the hand - and caught a few eye rolls among the other members as Rachel leaned over to take bets on if he was playing straight again - and pulled her towards the doors.

“Where are we going?”

“Somewhere private.”

“Are we going to make out again?”

“No. I’m never going to make out with a girl again. But this is about that.”

“About making out?”

“No, about the other thing.”

“Uhm...you being gay?”

“No the _other_ other thing.”

“...about condoms?”

“You’re getting warmer.” He settled on the boys’ locker room. It was completely vacated and the nosiest New Directions wouldn’t dare follow him in there anyway. “Ok, I got a call from the clinic today. I set up an appointment for you to go talk to them.”

“I have to go back?”

“Just to talk this time, I promise. They want to go over the results with you, what kind of treatment you’re going to need beyond what you’ve been taking, and...And I think you should have your parents go with you.”

“Ok.” She didn’t realize how hard this could be. He squeezed her hand.

“I’ve been talking to Finn’s mom and she can probably help you talk to them. It could get rough, I don’t know. But I think you need to do it, and listen to whatever the doctor tells you to do. For your health. You’re a good friend and I don’t want you to suffer the effects of these diseases. There’s a lot of things that you may not even know about, like...like they could make you unable to ever have babies.”

“But I like babies.”

“Which means you should make sure to listen to the doctor. So one day when you’re married you can have babies of your own.” He tensed up as she leaned over to kiss his cheek.

“Thank you Kurt.”

“You’re welcome.” She took his hand and placed something in it.

“What-”

“Don’t look! Its a surprise gift. You have to wait until I leave. And I have to go now, but we can text.”

“Right. I’ll get you all the information you need.” Brittany squeezed his hand and made for the doors. Just as Finn and the other sports boys came in to get ready for some evening sports practice.

“Dude, what are you doing?” Finn hissed at him.

“I was just talking to someone.” He glanced down at the ‘gift’ in his palm. His cheeks heated up as he shoved it into his pocket.

“You look high,” Puck laughed, giving him a shove. “Wait, wait a second. Hummel - did you skip class to-” Apparently they hadn’t noticed the condom, just his expression.

“I was just thinking about some things, that’s all. And I thought I left something in here but I guess I was wrong. Well, you boys enjoy your...basketball?” Finn nodded. “Yes well have fun. I have to go help my dad out at the shop.” Something he was definitely looking forward to.


End file.
